It can be so freeing to say these things, but we often fear the hurt that comes with it, although things might be better in the long run. But saying what needs to be said is sometimes essential to be seen for and thus become the person that you want to be next.
For me, a big thing is to tell people NO! No, I don’t want this job. No, I don’t want to coach you for free, although you are a friend. No, I don’t want to write this paper or talk about this topic that I am no longer interested in.
If I do say no, I feel guilt and relief at the same time. Guilty for not helping or engaging and relieved because I am free to pursue what I want to pursue.
What is it that you don’t say that needs to be said?
When you are in between jobs careers, relationships, or phases of life you are in a state of becoming. It’s a state that we all experience, but rarely discuss as a stage. This makes it even more challenging to navigate.
The School of Becoming is a place where we seek to understand how to navigate this space, learning from experts and people like you and me about what it means to become, professionally and personally.
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I am looking forward to welcoming you all as Student of Becoming, hear about story, and supporting you on your journey.
Fuel Your Becoming
I discovered Jon‘s book, listening to an interview he gave at The School Of Greatness podcast. What I liked about Jon’s work is that he simplified the four possible career transitions into a simple framework. So, if you …
- Hit a career bump (e.g. unexpected layoff) – try relying on your relationships.
- Hit a career ceiling – learn new skills that matter to your boss, company, or industry, hear dig deep to find the skills you already have and could use more deliberately at work (e.g. Christmas party PLANNING, LISTENING to co-workers problems, …).
- Seek a career jump (a.k.a. do your own thing) – develop your character, here Jon recommends cultivating generosity (give more than you receive), empathy (How would you feel in their shoes?), and presence (being in the moment and paying attention).
- Go after a career opportunity – dedicate yourself to and put the effort in (hustle).
Taken together, relationships, skills, character (and hustle) equate to what Jon calls and trademarked the Career Savings Account™. This made me wonder how the account would apply to people hitting “career dead-end.” Ideas?
I love this prompt, which I discovered last weekend reading Jerry Colonna’s book “Reboot – Leadership and the Art of Growing Up“.
Jerry supports startup founders in their development as CEOs. He offers this powerful prompt to help leaders see how they have been creating the cultures and environments they complained about.
What is true for startups is also true for our lives. We often co-create the things we complain about. We create over-reliance by supporting others too much. I do this people I love, I sometimes support them a little too much, so they rely on me instead of themselves. We create unhealthy habits by using our circumstances as excuses. I love treating myself to some “good food” when I had a hard day. And, we create false beliefs by not challenging the assumptions that keep us safe but small. Mine, for the longest time, was: “I am bad in front of a camera.”
These were some of the conditions I created for myself. What about yours?Time – as Jerry writes – for some radical self-inquiry!
Let me know your thoughts and insights!
… I’ve always thought of letting go of the bad things but never considered letting go of the things we deem as good. I’ve never considered how the things we deem positive about ourselves can get in the way of our becoming. Have you?
I wasn’t the best student as a kid. Despite trying my very best, I was only ever average in most subjects, especially languages. And while my parents and teachers tried to support me, not much changed because no one really understood what I was going through. I was dyslexic, and like most students today, I hadn’t yet learned how to learn. This made me feel helpless as I continued to struggle in every exam or assignment, and I was feeling an immense amount of pressure and shame.
Over the years and not knowing better, I started trying to protect myself by avoiding the situations that created these feelings. I needed to protect myself from the feeling of disappointing my parents, and the humiliation that came with bad grades and never being good enough. And while this is my story, I am sure I am not alone in my experience and the resulting desire to protect myself.
Over time, I built myself an armour and created my own way of doing things that ultimately would protect me from these negative feelings. I told myself things like “keep a low profile”, “play it safe and avoid writing”, “don’t talk before you know what others want to hear”, and “don’t say anything that could be perceived as wrong”. Over time, these guidelines became rules I lived by. I’ve avoided performing in public, taking tests, and sharing my thoughts in written form. In short, I developed protective measures that kept me safe, but that has also prevented me from personal and professional growth.
Now, at 42, the world looks a little different. I had to learn to write well in order to succeed with my thesis and get a Ph.D., I had to get comfortable with video in order for me to be a professor online, and I had to learn that I didn’t need to know absolutely everything before I could teach or coach someone else. These felt like incredible feats, but despite all of this I was still trying to protect myself, and today the why finally clicked for me.
I realized that I wasn’t afraid of the aforementioned feelings anymore – the shame, disappointment, humiliation. I chipped away at those over the years. But, I realized that I was attached to something that I thought of as a good thing – the need to protect myself. But this need, similar to the rules I lived by, also got in the way of my own becoming. I’m not posting much, I don’t put my ideas of products out there and I keep a low profile as an entrepreneur, which holds me back. I do all of this, not because I am afraid of not being enough or being wrong, but because I have grown accustomed to serving my need for protection out of habit. The worst thing, I didn’t see it!
Reflecting about it this morning I saw it for the first time. I had grown so accustomed to these rules that I lived by that I thought they were a part of me that I had to preserve, I thought it was part of what made me, me. I didn’t question them. In fact, over the years, I’ve fed these protective thoughts and celebrated them. Realizing that I had to let go of something good, changed my perspective.
I realized my desire to protect myself had changed from protecting myself from an external threat to protecting the protective mechanism itself. These thoughts were self-preserving and got in the way of me becoming who I want to be next. When I realized this, I felt free, and it made me think of the following prompt:
What is something that appears positive that I internalized as “me”, but that is getting in the way of my becoming?
PS: In case you wonder about the book I’m reading, which was my January read on becoming, It’s “In Love with the World: A Monk’s Journey Through the Bardos of Living and Dying” by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche and Helen Tworkov.
This prompt was inspired by an insightful conversation I had with Sebastian Keilich. It helped us to zoom out and see the larger picture, revealing some of the thoughts and ideas that guide us in our becoming.
I love the insight that a journal prompt can lead to, so I thought I’d share this one with you.
Feel free to comment with your thoughts regarding to “where along the journey you are.”